Furballs and Doritos
by I.C. Weener
Summary: Nintendo refused to come up with a valid origin story for Breath of the Wild, but at least I came up with one for Black Cat D. Va


" _Hey gamers."_

\- Locutus

* * *

D. Va cautiously slinked through the dark, droning hallway and leaned into the wall. She kept her pistol firmly gripped in her gloves with the side of the barrel raised next to her cheek. Her rabbit chain twinkled in the artificial light. The smooth edges of her MEKA suit glided over the straight geometric lines of the corridor.

D. Va was intruding in the secret base of an army far more deadly than the Omnics. She had been sent to investigate a menace far more sinister than five Junkrats at a Friday night kegger. She was alone and incognito, with nothing but her instincts and her trusted blaster to protect her, deep in the lair of the Sylvestrians.

Her eyes silently peered around the corner as she kept her gun ready and her shoulder tucked to the wall. Two of the Sylvestrians were standing on duty at the end of the next corridor with their backs toward her, oblivious to her trespassing. Both examples of the strange cat-like alien species were around seven feet tall standing on their hind toes. Their shadowy forms sported the same distinctive coat of shining short black fur with long gold manes. The first had his mane weaved into alien tendrils, while the second had his braided under his chin with tiny skull beads representing each of his successful hunts. They wore pink tassels tied around their arms and necks with studded pearl belts around their waists. They held large spears glowing faintly with plasma rods, with their long black tails slowly waving behind their backs. They stood like statuesque gatekeepers keenly waiting for first sign of a rodent scampering across the dim neon hall, or like big cat versions of those Anubis dudes from Stargate.

D. Va spun around the corner with her blaster pointed straight out before they had a chance to notice her. The moment she put her foot down on the next floor panel, she felt a soft click under the sole of her boot.

She blinked in confusion. Slowly lifting her foot, she saw she had set off a silent alarm. The tile below her was flashing black and pink with a winking cat symbol.

D. Va heard something crinkle in the darkness above her head. She looked up as just the silver lining of a giant aluminum storage bag descended over her entire body and instantly sealed itself. On the outside, the bag remained sitting up displaying the large Sylvestrian insignia on its front. On the inside, intense holographic light reflected across the metallic lining, blinding D. Va in one second and causing her to completely black out in the next.

The guards' ears pricked in alert from the noise behind them. One spoke to the other in the native Sylvestrian language.

"Meow meow meowmeowmeow."

Translated into English, the first guard was saying _"What was that?"_

The other guard shrugged in boredom.

"Meow meow meow meowmeow meow."

He was saying, _"Just another organ batch for the Harvester."_

Inside her crinkly and highly conductive aluminum confines, D. Va was trapped in stasis. She was sleeping on her feet as the bag's interior shimmered around her in digital grids. Streams of lasers analyzed her human composition and slowly etched through the fibers of her formfitting MEKA suit, carefully skinning the rabbit of her blue and white hide so she could grow into her new coat. She was undergoing a secret process known as Felixilization.

* * *

Thousands of Harvesters lined the incubation vault like body bags hanging in a morgue. The vast inventory of identical unopened packages represented everything the Sylvestrians had abducted from countless galaxies, planets, and breeds. An infinite army of drone soldiers waiting to be picked out of the vending machine.

Automated storage clerks zipped back and forth through the rows on tracks hanging from the ceiling. They rapidly scanned the bar codes printed to the back of each bag to determine who was ready to be culled.

One of the scanners came to a stop next to a particular bag hanging in one the countless aisles. The back of the package was stamped with a bar code like all the others, as well as a white box containing various symbols written in paw prints and scratch marks. In Earth-glese, the text printed on the label said:

 _MANUFACTURE START: APR-01-20XX_

 _OPEN AFTER: APR-05-20XX_

 _STALE DATE: MAY-30-20XX_

The machine's hydraulic arms reached out and rattled the bag loose. It snapped off of its metal branch and dropped down a collection chute in the floor.

* * *

A ring of Sylvestrians surrounded the latest bag to arrive in the brooding chambers. Ears raised and crouching slightly, they closed around the bag with their spears drawn. One of the guards slowly cut the packaging along its perforated lip, causing it to quickly deflate and crinkle to ground.

D. Va was awake before the bag even fell to her feet to reveal her new self. She was wearing a frilled black dress with matching leggings. Its sleek and vinyl-like texture imitated the look of Sylvestrian fur to hide her bare human anatomy, leaving only her arms and a small opening on her chest uncovered for comfort and style.

The outfit was covered with hundreds of tiny laser-embroidered Sylvestrian symbols so she could wear her trademarks proudly. It was decorated with pink ribbons and a pearl belt. The high heels in her new black shoes kept her feet raised on their toes. Her hair had turned blonde and was braided in pigtails.

D. Va held her blaster up in her left hand while her tongue gently licked the back of the black faux leather glove on her right hand. Her pistol had been revised with an all-black casing and pink cat markings, and its rabbit chain was now a small gold bell tied to a pink ribbon. The pointed ears sitting in her hairband were simple props to make her look closer to a native Sylvestrian. The long black tail curling from the base of her spine was legit.

The alien warriors peered down at their smaller newborn half-sister. Their nostrils flared softly over her golden braids.

"Meow meowmeowmeowmeow. Meow meow?" one of them asked.

"Reow," D. Va replied with a smirk.


End file.
